1. Luggage: choose the bag that smells the least bad. Remember that the cat likes to pee in them so check that first; also, the baby might have puked in there. The best bag is one that still contains all the stuff from your last trip that you can simply use again (to prevent the use of inappropriate clothes, simply never ever dress seasonally). Also, pack at the very last minute, to make sure you don’t waste any precious time.
2. Power: go to the drawer that contains all of the screwdrivers, old keys and travel adapters and put every single one of the travel adapters you own in the bag. Every. Single. One. Then buy another one at the airport. Take the external battery you bought, but is never charged. Load up at least 3 broken USB cables, and make sure to put it in your checked bag so you can’t use them in the airport, even though you really want to. Simply buy a whole new set of chargers in every airport you go to.
3. Sleep: never, ever refuse the opportunity to have an espresso in the airport, no matter what time of day or night, so that you’re wired and sweating for the entire flight. Do not watch sad movies. Remember that sad things in movies come back to you late at night when you can’t sleep, and you imagine them happening to you and your family and you cry into your pillow (and that really didn’t work out that time in China when the pillow was made of rice).
4. WiFi: always run up at least a £100 roaming 3G bill on your personal mobile phone by checking your emails and Twitter constantly. Never take your work mobile, it is two models out of date and soooo uncool.
5. Health: ensure you maintain your health by somehow sitting next to the person who has the worst cold you have ever witnessed. Every. Single. Time.
6. Accessories: buy those tiny expensive toiletries at the airport and never claim them on expenses. They’re so cute! They look exactly like the grown up ones, but teeny – squee!
7. Apps: NO NEVER USE YOUR PHONE THE BATTERY WILL RUN OUT, STOP STOP STOP SWITCH IT OFF TO SAVE BATTERY. YES I KNOW THE SEAT IN FRONT HAS A USB PORT BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT CABLE!
And with that, I will wish you a happy new year!